Self-reliance. I feel so alone.

I've always been the type of person to admire strength in self reliance.

I've also always admired people who showed tough love, in the name of helping those around them become self-reliant.

I try to be that kind of a mother to my own children.

Do what you need to without being told a million times.

Dress on your own,

KNOW HOW to prepare your own food. (I let the kids make their own lunches/breakfast sometimes. Anything can happen. I want my kids to be able to feed themselves if needs be)

I plan very well to teach both my boys how to IRON, COOK, DO LAUNDRY, CLEAN, etc. Not only "to know how to do this on their missions," but because that's what I know would help them in their lives.

But to be the instigator of tough love, to be the one to promote what seems like a "self-reliance" goal is tough.

I've been struggling.

Our branch has been struggling.

The people who come into our branche struggle.

I've been in this branch long enough to start seeing a pattern.

One of the biggest challenge we have is that hardly anyone has a vehicle. Not too many members have transportation. So when someone shows up and HAS a car, they are tasked with picking and dropping people off to and from church. Some make THREE trips to get our members to and from church.

Great?

Is it Sacrifice?

I'm not so sure anymore.

Investigators are being picked up from the time they commit with the missionaries to go to church.

Great?

Not a big deal?

I beg to differ.

When one stops to think about the needs of this branch and why it's a "give me give me" branch (please forgive me because I DO know there are also angels among us in this branch), one can't help but notice it might just be that WE are the ones at fault. The culprit of it all.

Giving rides maybe a harmless act of kindness.

But when it is expected or becomes a handicap to those who await for it, that's what I have a problem with, and that's when I see a big problem.

Our missionaries ask the few members with cars to pick up investigators. While it's great to have them come to church, somehow (don't ask me how) the investigators become real used to it. Then they are baptized, and they are still asking for rides. In fact, they've never come to church on their own. Still a great sacrifice for the members to make to pick them up? What about when the ride gets sick? How about when they're tight to buy gas? The new members suddenly aren't coming to church any more and we have lost many this way.

It's not just the rides. People are expecting the church to give them not only rides, but food, transportation to various places, to give them things, to pay their rent and bills....the list goes on. When it isn't given, they come at night to the building and break in.

I am tormented.

The little I could do was to recently announce that Relief Society would stop giving rides--at least to the sisters. I expect them to be stronger.

"Unless the sister is physically unable to use the city's metro system or get her own ride by some other method, I expect each sister to find their own rides to church."

I said.

I immediately became the bad guy.

I feel like I fight against my own to promote this idea. It's been lonely and hard.

I feel they look at me as this cruel heartless new president who doesn't care one bit about the sisters.

HOW COULD YOU. they think.

So heartless. they say.

But then, things like this happen;

I received one call recently.

"I'm going to ride the metro system to church! I called them and set it all up myself!"

she said.

Bless her heart, she was the one "physically unable" sister I was talking about. I excused her from this "no rides" policy and here she was calling me to tell me she was going to get her own ride.

I almost cried.

She was thrilled.

She was beaming with pride.

I wanted to bottle her sense of accomplishment and show it to the branch.

I'm the first to tell you that when God's children are able to ACCOMPLISH something on their own, not relying on other's as a crutch, they BEAM. They GLOW. I have children, I know.

I admire prophets of old such as Joseph Smith and Brigham Young who sought after goals that would NOT ONLY benefit the HERE AND NOW members, but their ancestors and descendants and the future generations by building schools and communities that lasted not just during their life time, but for us. Think about the temples they sacrificed to build. Was it for them?

HA.

NO.

I loved my mission president for that.

His motto for himself and his missionaries was:

"today, in 20 years and forever."

to him, we weren't just his missionaries. To him, we would always be his.

What's so great about that?

He didn't just care for us while we were on the mission because he had to, but he cared for us during that time, and took the time to teach us things pertinent not only to the mission but also in 20 years. He said he wanted to know how we were in 20 years, and forever after that too.

He understood the grander vision of his calling to us.

I think that's one of the reasons why so many of us X-missionaries STILL go to him. We still write to him, visit him, converse with him and still love him and his family.

We had some new investigators at church today. Great sisters.

I noticed that they had gotten a ride to church.

I asked the sister missionaries "do we know of a bus route that they can use to get here?"

Their answer was this;

"well, they'd have to walk half a block and it's too hard with their 10 kids."

I looked back at the new people.

There were two sisters carrying one child each.

"Did all the 10 kids come today?"

I asked, not seeing anyone else.

"no, cuz they wouldn't all fit in the car."

Chew on that for a second.

So I asked again to see how they could get the whole family there, finding their own rides, not relying on the members, which by the way is our temporary ward senior couple missionary who's only going to be here until NOVEMBER.

COME ON PEOPLE, LET'S START THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE!!

not so much WHAT CAN I GIVE NOW AND ONLY NOW?

the sister missionary I was speaking with said again,

"well, they'd have to walk pretty far to get on the bus, plus there are no bus routes this early (church is at 8am)".

I left thinking so many things.

1. church isn't worth the time and effort to these new people

2. is it really best to leave most of your family home so YOU could go to church in the comfort of someone's car?

3. no bus systems before 8am? whoa. I wonder how anyone around here gets to their jobs!

It all boils down to:

1. do we need more members who come to this branch having already learned the art of receiving, expecting and wanting more?

Only if I could share what I see--the bigger picture with those who oppose me or can't seem to understand me in this journey of creating and teaching the members to become stronger...

If you're not strong....can you really help others?

If you're not self-reliant, can you reach out to others?

My heart aches with worry.

Not too many of us "strong" members are going to be here in this branch much longer.

HOW CAN WE BEST TEACH, GUIDE AND TRAIN THIS BRANCH TO STAND ON THEIR OWN TWO LEGS?!

If we keep this up, how is anyone going to get to church on their own in a few months when we're gone?

How's anyone going to know how to store food and create a menu within their financial means and budget?

If I didn't care about them, I'd say

GIVE GIVE GIVE

JUST GET THEM TO CHURCH HOWEVER NECESSARY! GIVE THEM FOOD! WHATEVER THEY NEED, GIVE IT ALL!

"I'll be gone in a year anyway."

{ps. good riddance!}

But I do. I do love and care for them.

That's the only reason I say BE STRONG, DO IT YOURSELF, AND WE'LL SEE YOU GLOW FOREVER.

My heart aches

My head hurts

but mostly because I feel so alone.