Boogers HURT

There wasn't a single dry eye in the room.

Grandma Gordon's casket lay open and the once lively woman lay in the cold box in front of the room; room filled with sad sobbing people--including myself. The room grew more and more dense with sorrow and the sniffles could be heard all around.

"OUCH!"

a little voice suddenly cried out next to me.

I turned beside me to find Kai with his finger shoved way up high in his nose.

"MOM! THAT BOOGER HURT!! IT WAS BIG AND LONG AND IT PULLED OUT MY NOSE HAIR!"

Horror.

Embarrassment.

The room broke out in quiet chuckles.

What could I say?

Yes my child,

boogers DO hurt sometimes.

Grandma was a cheerful person.

I'm sure she was grateful for this little child's humorous thought at her otherwise dark and dreary funeral.

New Calling. New desires

So our branch president called me up into his office a little bit ago.

"RS president" he said, "Haha," I replied.

No, but really, I said

"I'd have to think LONG AND HARD about it. Give me some time to think."

I prayed like crazy.

I thought like crazy.

"Lord, give me a whole new desire. A whole lot of renewed energy," I pleaded.

I love my branch, I really do.

BUT

I am honestly WORE OUT.

I've been RS counselor the whole 1.5 years I've been here, and although I must admit I don't feel I've done much, somehow, I feel burned out. It's a very needy branch, with a few nut jobs in the mix. I feel ready to move on, to move out and be done.

and now this!?

Then we had a couple of deaths in our family, so we flew out to Idaho.

As we attended a friend's funeral, I listened to the testimonies of her family and friends of how she loved to serve the Lord. Through painful times, she got up and taught her sunday school class whenever she wasn't locked up in the hospital receiving painful treatments. Even on the last Sunday she was here on earth, as she got ready to head to church but fell and cracked her head open, she had her daughter text her bishop saying she demanded that someone be found to cover her class. They said she lived for her calling. To teach, to serve, and to love.

A renewed sense of desire to serve my Lord filled my heart as I listened to the words of the ceremony. What a life had been offered up to serving her Lord.

If she, filled with painful days and struggles to stay alive, could love her Lord to do all in her power to serve her brothers and sisters, how much more would I be required to do the same?

I left the ceremony filled with love for my Savior.

I promised to not only accept this new calling, but to dedicate it to Karla.

I will serve with all my might, mind and strength, just as she would have.

I will go and do.

Thanks, Karla.

Karla holding Jaiden at his 1 year birthday.

My Boys

Oh! How I love my boys.

I just loved them so much.

I love them so much I could eat them!! :)

(I always tell them that and nibble on their little chicken legs and arms- they giggle and laugh so hard!)

The time spent with them is so precious.

I want to do better at remembering that.

I saw a clip on mormon.org/people today in Relief Society class.

It was about a mother who had lost her 5 year old son to a sledding accident.

UNFATHOMABLE.

I thought long and hard about that. Actually, I think a lot about my children dying.

It helps me not take for granted the time that I do have with them, it helps me try to live with no regrets.

Am I listening to them?

Am I looking at them while they talk?

Am I saying enough "I love you's"?

Am I showing them how much I care?

And I thought.

I need to start thinking differently than "unfathomable".

No one can ever tell me that my children wouldn't be taken from me tomorrow.

What I need to remember though, is that my children are just being lent to me.

They are not mine yet.

Not only do I need to live to be worthy of them, I need to deserve them.

They are still Heavenly Father's, and I need to remember that.

The Lord could call them home at anytime, but I need to have confidence that He is in charge.

I hope and pray that something so tragic and devastating would NEVER....I repeat, NEVER come knocking on my door, but should it, I hope I will remember that my children still belong to Heavenly Father.

I will live worthy of them, to be able to be a "forever family."

I love you, Kai and Jaiden. I love you so much.

Update April 2011

I don't know what I'm going to write about, but I have a lot on my mind...somehow, I feel good when I write.

So much has been happening, and so much has been on my mind. Where to start.

1. "The truth shall set you free." I think that is very interesting...the moment a piece of truth comes to light, people are set free. Whether it's knowing your past, your ancestry, understanding a concept and thus, gaining knowledge, whether it's knowing how someone passed away...everyone deserves to know the truth. Just an interesting thought that's been on my mind.

2. You know, I used to think a calling was a blessing. Now, I think it's a "trial."

I firmly believe that the Lord calls the weak to teach them...

What am I supposed to learn, Lord?!?!

3. I got a call yesterday from Ronny while sitting in a welfare training for the church. As I ran to the bathroom to take his call, he told me that a good family friend had passed away. As she had been battling cancer for so long, this was upsetting, but somewhat of a relief--only because I know that she is pain free now after so much suffering, and because I myself have been in a situation where I sometimes wished Jaiden would pass away to free us all of our suffering while he struggled to live. As I wiped the tears that streamed down from this news of losing a great lady, Ronny continued; "and...Grandma Gordon passed away also..."

my heart stopped.

The lady who accepted me and loved me as I was right away.

The lady who let me live with her until I got married to Ronny (couple of months).

I loved her breakfasts she'd make! Sausage, bacon...

Oh, how she loved my boys. I always thanked her in my heart for that.

She was so funny. When she'd call me, she wouldn't have her hearing aids in so she couldn't hear me, but somehow, when I'd randomly call her, she had them in and could hear me just fine!

So many sweet memories of her, but the most that I remember is how she would come visit me in the hospital while Jaiden was admitted.

I couldn't tell how much pain she was in, but I knew she was hurting. Still, she'd drive herself more than an hour to come see me and Jaiden. She'd take me out to lunch and then we'd go into the NICU to see little Jaiden. She'd call him "IT" and just loved to HOLD HIM. She loved him to no end and I will always love her for that.

She passed away on the same day her son died, 42 long years later. We are happy for her to also be pain free and to finally be reunited with her husband and son.

As Easter season is upon us, I feel a renewed sense of gratitude for the atonement of Jesus Christ. What a priceless gift he gave us to be able to be reunited with our loved ones once again!!

Goodbye Karla and grandma Gordon, we love you...

God be with you till we meet again.

A Story from the Ashes

A long long time ago, it was so very long ago,

she wasn't permitted to be in love...

she said goodbye as the family loaded up their belongings.

Blue skies stretched with no end.

Dragon flies flew around and landed silently on soft green blades of the never ending rice fields.

Kids ran freely with no shoes and farmers bent low to the ground to plant new blades of rice.

You could hear the distant sounds of drumming in the air,

the summer festivities were about to begin.

Excitement filled the town.

Streams sparkled as they danced down the way and all was well.

The wind blew softly on their sunkissed skins.

****

Many years after, the once clear blue sky rained gray mushrooms from the now dark sea of heaven.

"hold your family close to you."

She said, as her eyes glistened.

The girl at 17 ran as fast as her skinny legs would carry her.

She knew she was alive, her heart pounding in her little chest, but she needed to know her one true love was too.

Rings of fires engulfed homes and the once green land was now black.

Children cried out for their parents, and parents tossed over boards and shards of glass in search of their little ones.

The girl never stopped.

Would she ever find her love?

"Hold your loved ones tight in your arms, never let go."

****

A long, long time ago, so very long ago, he was 14.

He said goodbye to his family and promised not to shed a tear.

He had to be strong.

I listened quietly as the wrinkled face glistened with pride and honor.

A single photograph of a man hung proudly on the old cement wall.

The man had been a proud patriot who gave his all as a Kamikaze pilot.

I felt the warmth of this man who hung silently on the wall, the love he must have had for his family.

He never had the chance to say goodbye.

To see his son grow up into the grandfather he was to me.

It was then that he saw her, the young woman who ran without knowing.

Through the fires and black rains, she was beautiful.

Nothing could stop her.

"Don't ever lose sight of what's important, hold them tight and never let go."

In a time that many have forgotten,

in a place where this story will never be read,

I listened to my grandmother and watched as the silent drops fell from the leathery face of the once young man.

They didn't have much, but they had each other.

I must share their message...

I have to...

I want to...

once upon a very very long time ago...

Simplifying my life

I've been feeling like I need to simplify my life.

I love a busy life and I love to stay busy.

But, at the same time, I know what my priorities are.

My house is a mess and I lose my patience a lot with my kids.

So, I'm going to be trying something new.

Simplifying.

How, I don't know.

What, I'm about to figure out.

Like reading a lot of books from the library...GOOD things, but is it the BEST thing?

How do I cut down time on the computer?

Hmm...

Like I said, I don't know how, but just a thought.

Any suggestions?

A child's prayer (Kai) April 9, 2011

"Dear Heavenly Father,

THANK YOU THAT MAMMA MADE FOOD TODAY,

AND THANK YOU THAT DADDY COULD BUY ME A NEW TOY CAR,

PLEASE HELP THAT HE CAN TAKE THE CAR BACK AND GET ME NEW SQUISHY BUGS,

BUT MAMMA DOESN'T LIKE LIZARDS,

AND PLEASE THAT MAMMA WILL LIKE FROGS AND SNAKES,

AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT WE HAVE.

...Amen."

Kai: "mamma, now do you like frogs and snakes?"

me: "nope, I don't think so."

Kai: "well, you have to go to sleep and dream about them and theeen you'll like them."

me: "okay, good night then." :)

I snapped.

It's been rough lately, but not because of my typical venting from the hard labors of the children day in and day out.

Well, okay sort of, but not really.

I've been tormented about a few things.

HOW DO WE AS PARENTS TEACH AND DISCIPLINE OUR YOUNG ONES?!

A complete mystery.

It seems like no matter how many times we parents try to "teach" or "tell" our kids to do or to not do something, it goes unheard. No amounts of "please do this" can stop these kids.

First, I've noticed that Jaiden likes to talk back. "No! YOU, GO AWAY! STOP IT!"

he will shout at the top of his once under developed and "weak" lungs.

Then we have Kai.

He has been BREAKING EVERYTHING. Baskets, boxes, pencils, crayons, sticks I have as decor, curtains, METAL BARS, decors, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING he can get his hands on, he will break and destroy. Not out of rage, he just sits there picking at things, bending them, snapping them, or tears things apart slowly and casually, then tosses it on the floor to break the next item within his reach.

What a mystery. I've heard of boys breaking things, and I remember even my brothers would break things to "explore" how things are built, to "discover" how things work, but Kai seems to just break things, just because.

The other day, I was really on the edge with the kids. Still, I bit my tongue and in an almost pleading way, asked for the 10th time, "PLEASE Kai, mama's so tired and this is all I can do. I don't want to be the mean mom. PLEASE stay in bed, where I've told you to stay a million times..." then left, confident that asking him "nicely" would let him know that I was ASKING him to be obedient.

The next thing I know (within a few seconds), he was out of bed, sneaking off to Jaiden's room and wiling him up to play.

It broke my heart, it really did.

I've been racking my brains, tormented because I'm on the edge here.

I can't seem to talk to them enough, can't seem to say the right things, can't seem to get into their heads to make them understand, I can't seem to yell loud enough, and I've even done things and said things I know aren't right, and of which I've regretted greatly.

Tonight, I hit a snapping point though.

Ronny's been very frustrated with them too, and together, we were storming up this place with shouts and screams, even a few spankings.

Where did we go wrong? We're usually a calm couple, confident in our disciplinary actions with the kids, but I'll be honest. It's not been that way lately.

Kids were crying, we were yelling, it was a mess.

So, I snapped.

Seems like the only logical thing to do! I had had enough.

Ronny and I had a deep discussion afterwards, after putting the kids down to bed immediately after the exciting event of my snapping.

We talked...and talked....and talked....and racked our brains together.

Really, I love that Ronny and I can talk about things.

Honestly, I love how we try to work at everything together.

We concluded that we have been going around in circles, not getting anywhere with the kids. I've prayed a million times over the past few weeks for answers, and have felt I've gotten nothing.

(umm, hello...it's been a while since I've heard your voice sir...)

So, Ronny and I came up with a few things we'd like to do (instead of yelling and the occasional spankings) and talked of the importance of BEING ON THE SAME PAGE as a couple, AND also sticking to a punishment.

It doesn't have to be loud, it doesn't have to be mean or vicious.

But two thing's for sure.

We need to be on the same page, and we need to be consistent.

What we're going to do from now on whenever there's a "naughty" moment, is simple.

Simple, but if we keep at it together, I think it will work.

My kids are in no way bad.

They are smart, kind, and good kids.

But, to keep them that way, it requires A LOT of discipline and love on our part.

I've always loved how Ronny and I can talk things out and work together towards something. It always seem to work so much better than when I try to do it alone...

Has anyone ever realized it's SO MUCH MORE work to teach children and discipline righteously??

It's SO MUCH EASIER to just say "I don't care" or "go play outside with your friends and don't come back 'til dinner." No wonder so many kids roam the streets, "hanging out" with their friends. I don't blame the parents, I honestly don't. It's burdensome, and aggravating, not to mention EXHAUSTING.

BUT, we will take responsibility in doing and finishing this job to the end (I only got 15 years, 10 months, and 45 days until they're out of here! LOL--jk), hopefully the way the Lord would have us do. I know that in the end, all this work will pay off.

(it better or so help me...)

So, with renewed hope, I write this entry in hopes that I can look back on it someday and smile, knowing that tonight, me snapping was the best thing I could have done to turn things around and raise good and honest boys.

Here we go...

Books read in March 2011

1. Frumpy to Foxy in 15 minutes flat--style advice for every woman.

Elycia Rubin & Rita Mauceri

(my rating) 1/5

2. Spectacular Hair- a step by step guide to 46 gorgeous styles

Eric Mayost

2/5

3. The Glass Castle (A memoir)

Jeannette Walls

5/5

4. The Stubb's Bar-B-Q cookbook

from stubb's legendary kitchen with Kate heyhoe

4/5

5. The Cheap Bastard's guide to the good house + home

Josh Garskof

4/5

6. Southern Living Best loved Cookies (50 melt in your mouth Southern morsels)

3/5

7. Easy Italian cookbook

Jennifer Donovan

5/5 (the book was GOOD, and if the recipes I'm going to try turns out good too, it's a perfect score kind of a book!)

8. The Emergency Teacher--the inspirational story of a new teacher in an inner-city school

Christina Asquith

4/5