I am OK

Lately, I've had to re-think my life and priorities.

I have been wondering why I work best on a "busy" schedule. I like TO-DO lists, and I work best when I have A LOT to do and get done.

Opening my calendar and seeing it empty gets me DEPRESSED.

Furthermore, it's extremely difficult for me to sit and watch a show with my kids, because I feel I must be accomplishing something. It's hard for me to say "hooray kids! We have nothing to do today! What do you want to do?" Although an occasional empty day is fine and I do allow the kids to decide what they want to do sometimes, this typically is NOT how I roll, and it usually makes me get cabin fever, depressed, and grumpy. Not only do these "to-dos" have to be what typically appear on a stay at home mother's to-do lists (clean, wash, clean, wash, feed, change diapers, cook, etc), I seem to work best when I have big things to plan, activities to coordinate, larger scale projects to organize and accopmlish, etc etc...

Recently, I have finished my latest project and have had nothing to do for the last 1-2 months. How have I been?

Not very nice, I hear.

(And I really thought I was fooling my "unhappiness" pretty well)

In talking to my friend about all this, pointing out that there must be something wrong with me for wanting so much to do while I'm still at home with my young boys, she said something that made me think.

To be honest, she is quite the opposite from me. She likes her days with NOTHING TO DO, and likes to have NO commitments because all she wants to ever do, is "enjoy her kids."

She wants to homeschool. She likes to hold her babies 24/7. She whispers and she is all smiles.

On the other hand, I never rocked my babies to sleep (only on rare occasions did I do this), I still make them nap/have quiet time in their rooms at least 2-3 hours a day, I yell, talk loud to my kids, and as soon as they're of age, I will ship them out to school. Heck, why can't schools here be more like Harry Potter's all year-long schools!? (lol)

Anyway, we had a good long discussion about how both of us are so polar opposite, and yet, we have one goal in common.

Being a stay-at-home-mother.

We have both opted from the beginning to stay at home and raise our children, and we still hold nothing else more sacred and important than being at home with them, so long as we are able to.

Make there be no mistake. I love my kids, and I take pride in staying home with them and teaching them.

BUT, I have often wondered why I cannot be content with just sitting around with the kids. I seem to feel the need to constantly be engaged in some project that is just for me. Something that enables me to use my BRAIN, something that helps me feel "needed or valuable" from sources other than my kids and husband.

Something that bears immediate fruit and something that I can be proud of. I'm not belittling the role of a mother or a stay at home mother. I love my first and full-time job, but I wondered and yearned for an answer to know why I just couldn't be like my friend.

After parting our ways from the visit yesterday, my friend simply sent me an email and it's been on my mind all day today.She said,

"amiga, don't compare a sunflower with a rose. Each add to the world immeasurable beauty!"

How true this is, and how often we forget this simple truth.

I am ok.

I am ok, even if I don't want to homeschool.

I'm ok if I seek something challenging to do while raising my precious boys. Hence, since becoming a mother, I have organized a theatrical play called "The Prophets" that was for the entire island of Puerto Rico and its LDS members in just two months, with an attendance of about 500 people, I have written a book (waiting for it to be published now), began and finished my associates program in Business and management at University of Phoenix, and I continue to seek meaningful and worthy projects that enable me to use my talents or learn new skills, while doing missionary work for the things I believe in.

My friend also pointed out that perhaps, what distinguishes our "strengths" from "weaknesses" is how we use it.

I'm grateful that I am who I am although I know I have a lot to work on. I'm also grateful for a good and wise friend, who although maybe complete opposite from who I am, still has the same goal in mind, and that is raising our beautiful children and someday, returning to live with our Heavenly Father someday. I'm grateful that I have friends who don't judge me for who I am, but value and respect our differences, and at the same time, reminds me that I am ok.

Thanks, amiga, you know who you are.

Te quiero mucho.

Monika