He just smiles

Have you ever struggled in life?

Have you ever sat there praying to receive comfort or an answer, but wondering why you weren't receiving any of that from the Heavens right at that moment?

I had an experience the other day that made me think, A-HA! I think I understand now, just a glimpse of what our Heavenly Father does and how he operates when WE are struggling.

Here it goes.

I have been reading my mission president's son's emails to his family who just left on his mission about 2 weeks ago. His mother has been forwarding them to me because he's being sent to serve in Japan. Anyway, their son, who is a real fine and sweet young man was writing in his last email that things were hard. He says,

"Missions are weird. Even though I'm only in the MTC, you can go up and down SO much within the same day. It's crazy. Well, last Friday and Saturday I was feeling kind of down because I felt like I would never learn Japanese. I still don't think I will :) It's frustrating, too, because the new MTC program is all about how you need to meet the needs of your investigator and everything you do should be focused on them and how you need to teach by the spirit and ask questions and interact with them, but I just can't do it in Japanese. From my journal: "Why couldn't I have been speaking Spanish or English? California, Texas, those places all sound pretty good right now. Why did God send me to Japan?" I was also down because I felt like I wouldn't be good enough. Everyone told me what a great missionary I would be but I was feeling like, "What if I'm not?"

If you thought you were reading your own thoughts, you're not alone.

As I read his email, the strangest thing was happening to me. I just couldn't help but SMILE. I was smiling SO big that my face hurt. I felt like I wanted to fly down to the MTC and give him a big hug--or just tell him "it's going to be okay, I PROMISE!!"

I knew 100% that he was going to live, that he was going to come out of this strong, I KNEW without a doubt that he IS indeed going to be one of the best missionaries out there, and that the Japanese would come to him. Somehow, I just knew all of this.

I wrote my response to my mission president's sweet sweet wife.

"I will write him later." still smiling as big as ever.

That's all.

Not because I thought David's trials were funny, but because I had been there, I knew EXACTLY what he was feeling--all the frustration, all the craziness-you name it, I knew exactly what he was going through.

What's more, I was surprised at my decision to write him "later." Why not NOW? Wouldn't he benefit from hearing from someone who had been through the exact thing he had been, RIGHT NOW?!

Here comes the first "A-HA" moment.

I just thought that nothing I say could give him comfort at the moment.

He and he alone needed to get through this trial and then I could speak with him.

Not because he wouldn't want to hear what I had to say (that "everything will be okay,") but that he COULDN'T understand it right now. I remembered MY mission and time in the MTC when learning Spanish was one of the most frustrating thing I had ever done and I had felt like I'd never speak it, NEVER!

I thought my life was over.

It was a very hard time.

But looking back now, I marveled at how I got through it, how the language came to me in such a short time (relatively speaking), how everything worked out and now I look back with such fond memories of it all. Well what do you know, here I am, almost 10 years later, alive and thriving!

I just couldn't help but smile-BIG. Ready for another A-HA???

....this must be how Heavenly Father is, listening to us whine in our prayers or earnestly seek comfort---or just watching us struggle. He just smiles. Not to be rude or mean, but smiling to say

"I KNOW you can and WILL get through this. I know it's rough right now, but you have no idea how fast this will all past, and you have even less idea of the joys you will feel after getting past this stage." etc. I just felt like I understood just a glimpse of the eternal perspective.

When we're struggling, that's all we can see and we're just stuck. Afterwards though, we can look back and say "I did it!" and they turn out to be one of the most treasured times...just as I struggle with motherhood or the lack of self-esteem right now and searching for my "personal worth," I feel Heavenly Father must sometimes sit back and just let me squirm. Although he wants to give me a big hug, fly down here and tell me "everything's going to be okay," sometimes it's just best to leave me/us alone and he just smiles big--knowing that we will get through this and be happy--happier than before, having been polished and strengthened. Nothing He could say will help us in the moment, because most of the time, we're not even listening, we're too busy being frustrated and unwilling to trust Him in some cases. We get into a rut and don't want to see beyond it. So interesting! I'm glad I had that experience because I am now convinced that that's what Heavenly Father does---and I smiled.

I'm gonna be ok.